Tuesday, December 30, 2008


It has been some time since I have written anything meaningful here. I have been involved in some mental turmoil recently which has effected my frame of mind. I believe this is mostly the result of recent reports indicating that my health has declined faster than I would had hoped. I have undertaken a serious effort to delay the progress of this decline. Hopefully I will be around for many more years.

At any rate I have been doing a lot of reflecting recently. During my life there have been many ups and down in my walk with the lord. I have no doubt that I am currently attempting to live life as our Lord would have me to, or that I will be with Him in heaven someday. However, I wonder how many I have led astray by my actions. I fear that my many errors and indiscretions have led my children, and perhaps acquaintances, to doubt the truth of the Christian message.

Although I believe that my intentions were always to help them grow into good citizens I was often too stern in my discipline with my children as they were growing up. Indeed by today's standards my actions could often be considered abusive. I do not regret that I tried to hold them to high standards, but I do regret the methodology that I used to accomplish it. I can not go back and undo the past, but I wish that I could.

In addition during periods when it was not convenient to follow the truth I, perhaps like many if not most people, would find some rationalization as to why my actions were really OK. This in spite of knowing down deep inside that it was wrong. So I lied, drank excessively, smoked, swore, ranted, raged, and more.

My children knew that Dad was a hypocrite. They did not and in some cases still do not understand that my failures in living according to Christian principles and practices does not make the Christian teachings wrong or invalid, it simply illustrates that I am just another weak human being that needs Gods love and forgiveness.

I expect that when my life comes to it's inevitable end I will go to spend eternity with God in heaven. I hope to spend that time with my entire family. I want, very badly want, all of my family to end up there with me in spite of my failings. My greatest fear is that because of my poor example they, and perhaps others, will not be among the faithful found there with Him.

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